It is a strange title, we know, but there is an important truth in it.
There are many terms used to describe children's behaviour: challenging behaviour, dysregulated behaviour, oppositional behaviour, or disruptive behaviour. While the language may differ, the most important question remains the same: How do we show up for children during these moments?
When children experience big emotions, they need adults who can remain calm, curious and intentional. Our role is not simply to stop behaviour. It is to understand it well enough to teach children the skills they are still developing. Behaviour is communication, and every behaviour tells us something about what a child is experiencing, feeling or needing.
A few things are worth remembering.
Children are still learning to behave
Children are not born knowing how to regulate their emotions, solve conflicts, wait patiently, or express frustration in socially appropriate ways. These are learned skills that develop over many years as children's brains mature. We sometimes mistake a child's inability to do something as a refusal to do it. Instead of asking, "Why won't they behave?", we might ask, "What skill are they still learning?" This shift changes us from behaviour managers into behaviour teachers.
They need to borrow our calm
When children become overwhelmed, the thinking part of their brain becomes less accessible. They cannot reason, reflect or problem solve when they are in a state of distress. During these moments they rely on the calm presence of the adults around them to help regulate their emotions. Our tone of voice, body language and pace all communicate safety. Children borrow our calm until they are capable of creating their own.
It takes time to change
Meaningful behaviour change is rarely immediate. Just as children learn to walk, write or ride a bike through repetition and practice, social and emotional skills develop gradually. Progress often looks like taking two steps forward and one step back. Rather than expecting perfection, we should celebrate growth and remain consistent in our responses. Relationships, repetition and patience are far more powerful than quick fixes.
Children's experiences shape who they are
Every child arrives carrying their own experiences, relationships, culture, temperament and life circumstances. Their behaviour is influenced by what they have experienced at home, in their community, and within previous educational settings. It is also shaped by factors such as tiredness, sensory needs, anxiety, trauma and their stage of brain development. Understanding behaviour means looking beneath what we can see and wondering what may be influencing the child in that moment.
You cannot do it on your own
Supporting behaviour is a shared responsibility. When educators respond consistently and families feel included in the conversation, children experience greater predictability and security. This does not mean everyone responds in exactly the same way, but rather that there is a shared understanding of the child, common language, and agreed approaches that place relationships at the centre. Behaviour guidance works best when it is collaborative rather than individual.
Develop a proactive social skills program
Rather than waiting for problems to occur, intentionally teach the skills children need to participate successfully in their learning community. Skills such as emotional literacy, friendship building, empathy, problem solving, turn-taking, conflict resolution, assertiveness and self-regulation deserve the same intentional planning as literacy or numeracy. When we explicitly teach these capabilities through play, conversations, stories and everyday interactions, children become better equipped to navigate social situations with confidence.
Perhaps the greatest shift we can make is moving from asking, "How do I stop this behaviour?" to asking, "What is this child trying to communicate, and what do they need me to teach?"
When we understand more, we judge less. We stop trying to control children's behaviour and instead create the conditions where they can learn, grow and flourish. After all, big behaviour does not require bigger adults. It requires smaller ones, adults who are calm enough to listen, thoughtful enough to understand, and intentional enough to teach.
